I threw out a bland editorial on things to look for in a mate in a previous blog that's now been deleted due to sheer boredom with reading it over and over but now it's time to throw out some "hot sports opinions" on the subject that i've studied, experimented, failed, and examined in great detail over the past 20 years.
I've seen many trite editorials about "the rules of dating", "what women want", how to play the game of dating and/or all sorts of things that simply propagate new ways of REACTING to what the opposite sex is doing or saying. My intent is to respond rather than simply react to the norms of societal behaviors with a possible alternative way of thinking.
First of all, we spend most of our young life trying to decide what things or people compliment our personality. But rather than spend the bulk of our life continuing to evolve in beneficial ways and discover who we are (and who WE AREN'T--identity, in other words), we focus on other people who will be the perfect match for us. This is ok if we've achieved some type of self-actualization and are fully capable of making an objective decision about the right fit in terms of people or other important matters--how a person goes about quantifying that is still a matter of debate. It sort of reminds me of how the planets routinely and masterfully orbit around the sun in perfect order (i'll point to this illustration later). Alas, since we are often ill-equipped to make judicious decisions, we engage in the western culture's favorite pastime--dating around.
[A big reason why people choose the MYERS-BRIGGS personality test is to discover the intricacies of his/her being and make educated decisions about relating to others in a way that works. Check out www.similarminds.com to take the 70 question test in 5 minutes.]
Many of our "matches" end up being someone we perceive that will "COMPLETE US" (apologies to Jerry McGuire) in some way, shape or form. Usually, it's a very human desire to pick someone who "makes up" for our inadequacies but that's not something we like to ruminate on or discuss. It's been said that "opposites attract...and then attack". This is a discovery that most people don't realize until AFTER they get married or are knee-deep in a mediocre or distastrous relationship which can often lead to abuse. Even then, the majority of people may not figure it out in subsequent marriages--often placing some type of blame on others. The statistics for marital success with 2nd, 3rd, etc. marriages get worse with every succeeding marriage. Anyway, my discussion will stay away from marriage for the time being.
I've done more dating/marital counseling in my personal training practice over the last 18 years than I care to admit--some have likened the personal training profession to fitness bartending when it comes to listening to people's life stories. There have been times when my client and I didn't even workout because they were so distraught and that's ok, too. It just so happens that part of my dedication to my clients includes breakthroughs in ALL parts of their life, not just the physical parts. I was a self-help junkie in my early-mid 20's, yet in my 30's started realizing the subjective nature of a lot of that info and that not everyone was a black/white solution waiting to be "fixed". Isn't that our male nature at times...always wanting to fix something instead of just extending a listening ear and a supportive shoulder to cry on. Anyway, I digress...
I've stated before that wisdom is not just having a lot of knowledge. It's discerning when and how to creatively apply the knowledge in such a way as to initiate a positive result for yourself or others. If we're to make solid choices in dating, it's my contention that we start focusing on who we are and who we're BEING in a relationship rather than who we're seeking. Alluding to my previous illustration, it would be disastrous to the other planets if the earth became the center of the solar system and the sun was relegated to a position of low importance. There's nothing that the Earth has the ability to offer the other planets even though it's probably the most ideal place for life to flourish. People are often great people but NOT great for us! This is why we must know ourselves and therefore have a better understanding of who our ideal companion(s) might be. [I say this because many believe that there's not just one suitable companion out there to choose from and I would agree--look at the Eastern cultures where spousal choices are made for them...their divorce rate is much lower than ours--even without complicated personality assessments to aid their decision!
You might be asking yourself, "Well then, where do I begin?" Glad you asked, lol. Let me share some of my thoughts and allow you to make your own choices.
Before we get completely caught up in how our potential dating partner can offer US the PERFECT SET of FEATURES, we must consider what THAT kind of person would want FROM US. In other words, are we beginning a relationship with the notion of eventually TAKING what someone else has to give? WHOA, let's stop right there. Girls, have you ever wondered why the guy you began dating offered you so many things in the beginning of your courtship? (you know, verbal affirmations like, "you're so beautiful"; physical gifts like flowers or expensive dinners; emotional offerings such as wanting to connect with you on all your likes and even sharing your dislikes). Then magically, that stuff went away when he "had you at hello" (end of Jerry Mc. quotes). It's because that guy was NOT PREPARED TO OFFER HIS STRENGTH TO YOU; he was still in dire (and usually selfish) need of what you were able to offer him (ie. hottie girlfriend made him look good in front of his peers; you offered him your precious body (oftentimes ALL of it), or possibly even your ability to take over the role that his mother was used to taking--Matthew McConaughey's hilarious movie, Failure To Launch, comes to mind.)
There begins the vicious cycle of the female asking why he quit giving what she needed and blaming the guy when all along the guy never intended to be a long-term donor. Again, we can't get caught up in REACTING to that situation (and writing a scathing diatribe about how men are arrogant, selfish jerks with one thing on their mind and care only about themselves or women are ruthless, canniving and colluding snakes, lol), we must begin by RESPONDING with a desire to nip these things in the bud by having a firm grasp of what the ideal person would give rather than take from you.
buzzzzz....do you hear that? I've stirred up a proverbial hornet's nest now. (Are you smiling right now because you can relate to having been in this predicament before, lol... ) I have several possible ways I could go from here depending on your specific situation but I'll close with an example of my own personal belief...again, use it to cultivate your own ideas because I want the power that you regain control of in your own life to be yours and ONLY YOURS (i'm just here to offer a bit of insight).
Spiritual Arsonist sez: I want to offer strength and support and, most importantly, unconditional love to the woman I befriend and treasure. My personal choice for a "guidebook for life" is the bible. I've learned so much from reading it (and studying it thoroughly) and still am amazed at the stuff I have yet to learn from it. It truly is a "LIVING and ACTIVE" expression of God's design for us. Pay attention closely, my friends...
THE BIBLE RARELY TELLS A WOMAN TO LOVE HER HUSBAND AND RARELY TELLS A MAN TO RESPECT HIS WIFE. [understand that i'm stating a fact of scriptural content and not a pervasive idea] It does, however, admonish men to love their wife and tell wives to respect their husbands. In my experience, when one mate quits doing one, the other mate follows suit and quits doing the other...my close buddy, Chris Seidman, who pastors a burgeoning church in north Dallas [ www.thebranch.org ] calls this the "marry-go-round" (again, i'll talk about relationship ethics at a later time).
Anyway, as a husband, my view of saying, "I DO!", will one day mean I do put her needs before mine as much as humanly possible (there's a secret to that mentality that anyone can master but that is also for another blog topic). In return, I'll assume by God's intelligent design that she will respect me for that and we'll have the most prodigious relationship we could ever want, have kids who grow up learning to do the same to their dating partners and eventual spouses and, finally, get an invitation from OPRAH to tell the nation our secret!
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