How to Date (rehashed from 2006_update in progress)

Well, now that i'm getting back in the writing mode I figured it was time to start conjuring up some semantic scooby snacks for all those hungry readers out there. Today's topic: DATING.

I threw out a bland editorial on things to look for in a mate in a previous blog that's now been deleted due to sheer boredom with reading it over and over but now it's time to throw out some "hot sports opinions" on the subject that i've studied, experimented, failed, and examined in great detail over the past 20 years.

I've seen many trite editorials about "the rules of dating", "what women want", how to play the game of dating and/or all sorts of things that simply propagate new ways of REACTING to what the opposite sex is doing or saying. My intent is to respond rather than simply react to the norms of societal behaviors with a possible alternative way of thinking.

First of all, we spend most of our young life trying to decide what things or people compliment our personality. But rather than spend the bulk of our life continuing to evolve in beneficial ways and discover who we are (and who WE AREN'T--identity, in other words), we focus on other people who will be the perfect match for us. This is ok if we've achieved some type of self-actualization and are fully capable of making an objective decision about the right fit in terms of people or other important matters--how a person goes about quantifying that is still a matter of debate. It sort of reminds me of how the planets routinely and masterfully orbit around the sun in perfect order (i'll point to this illustration later). Alas, since we are often ill-equipped to make judicious decisions, we engage in the western culture's favorite pastime--dating around.

[A big reason why people choose the MYERS-BRIGGS personality test is to discover the intricacies of his/her being and make educated decisions about relating to others in a way that works. Check out www.similarminds.com to take the 70 question test in 5 minutes.]

Many of our "matches" end up being someone we perceive that will "COMPLETE US" (apologies to Jerry McGuire) in some way, shape or form. Usually, it's a very human desire to pick someone who "makes up" for our inadequacies but that's not something we like to ruminate on or discuss. It's been said that "opposites attract...and then attack". This is a discovery that most people don't realize until AFTER they get married or are knee-deep in a mediocre or distastrous relationship which can often lead to abuse. Even then, the majority of people may not figure it out in subsequent marriages--often placing some type of blame on others. The statistics for marital success with 2nd, 3rd, etc. marriages get worse with every succeeding marriage. Anyway, my discussion will stay away from marriage for the time being.

I've done more dating/marital counseling in my personal training practice over the last 18 years than I care to admit--some have likened the personal training profession to fitness bartending when it comes to listening to people's life stories. There have been times when my client and I didn't even workout because they were so distraught and that's ok, too. It just so happens that part of my dedication to my clients includes breakthroughs in ALL parts of their life, not just the physical parts. I was a self-help junkie in my early-mid 20's, yet in my 30's started realizing the subjective nature of a lot of that info and that not everyone was a black/white solution waiting to be "fixed". Isn't that our male nature at times...always wanting to fix something instead of just extending a listening ear and a supportive shoulder to cry on. Anyway, I digress...

I've stated before that wisdom is not just having a lot of knowledge. It's discerning when and how to creatively apply the knowledge in such a way as to initiate a positive result for yourself or others. If we're to make solid choices in dating, it's my contention that we start focusing on who we are and who we're BEING in a relationship rather than who we're seeking. Alluding to my previous illustration, it would be disastrous to the other planets if the earth became the center of the solar system and the sun was relegated to a position of low importance. There's nothing that the Earth has the ability to offer the other planets even though it's probably the most ideal place for life to flourish. People are often great people but NOT great for us! This is why we must know ourselves and therefore have a better understanding of who our ideal companion(s) might be. [I say this because many believe that there's not just one suitable companion out there to choose from and I would agree--look at the Eastern cultures where spousal choices are made for them...their divorce rate is much lower than ours--even without complicated personality assessments to aid their decision!

You might be asking yourself, "Well then, where do I begin?" Glad you asked, lol. Let me share some of my thoughts and allow you to make your own choices.

Before we get completely caught up in how our potential dating partner can offer US the PERFECT SET of FEATURES, we must consider what THAT kind of person would want FROM US. In other words, are we beginning a relationship with the notion of eventually TAKING what someone else has to give? WHOA, let's stop right there. Girls, have you ever wondered why the guy you began dating offered you so many things in the beginning of your courtship? (you know, verbal affirmations like, "you're so beautiful"; physical gifts like flowers or expensive dinners; emotional offerings such as wanting to connect with you on all your likes and even sharing your dislikes). Then magically, that stuff went away when he "had you at hello" (end of Jerry Mc. quotes). It's because that guy was NOT PREPARED TO OFFER HIS STRENGTH TO YOU; he was still in dire (and usually selfish) need of what you were able to offer him (ie. hottie girlfriend made him look good in front of his peers; you offered him your precious body (oftentimes ALL of it), or possibly even your ability to take over the role that his mother was used to taking--Matthew McConaughey's hilarious movie, Failure To Launch, comes to mind.)

There begins the vicious cycle of the female asking why he quit giving what she needed and blaming the guy when all along the guy never intended to be a long-term donor. Again, we can't get caught up in REACTING to that situation (and writing a scathing diatribe about how men are arrogant, selfish jerks with one thing on their mind and care only about themselves or women are ruthless, canniving and colluding snakes, lol), we must begin by RESPONDING with a desire to nip these things in the bud by having a firm grasp of what the ideal person would give rather than take from you.

buzzzzz....do you hear that? I've stirred up a proverbial hornet's nest now. (Are you smiling right now because you can relate to having been in this predicament before, lol... ) I have several possible ways I could go from here depending on your specific situation but I'll close with an example of my own personal belief...again, use it to cultivate your own ideas because I want the power that you regain control of in your own life to be yours and ONLY YOURS (i'm just here to offer a bit of insight).

Spiritual Arsonist sez: I want to offer strength and support and, most importantly, unconditional love to the woman I befriend and treasure. My personal choice for a "guidebook for life" is the bible. I've learned so much from reading it (and studying it thoroughly) and still am amazed at the stuff I have yet to learn from it. It truly is a "LIVING and ACTIVE" expression of God's design for us. Pay attention closely, my friends...

THE BIBLE RARELY TELLS A WOMAN TO LOVE HER HUSBAND AND RARELY TELLS A MAN TO RESPECT HIS WIFE. [understand that i'm stating a fact of scriptural content and not a pervasive idea] It does, however, admonish men to love their wife and tell wives to respect their husbands. In my experience, when one mate quits doing one, the other mate follows suit and quits doing the other...my close buddy, Chris Seidman, who pastors a burgeoning church in north Dallas [ www.thebranch.org ] calls this the "marry-go-round" (again, i'll talk about relationship ethics at a later time).

Anyway, as a husband, my view of saying, "I DO!", will one day mean I do put her needs before mine as much as humanly possible (there's a secret to that mentality that anyone can master but that is also for another blog topic). In return, I'll assume by God's intelligent design that she will respect me for that and we'll have the most prodigious relationship we could ever want, have kids who grow up learning to do the same to their dating partners and eventual spouses and, finally, get an invitation from OPRAH to tell the nation our secret!

Leadership, vision and the Great Becoming (an older post, 2006 i think, rehashed)

Leadership, Vision and the Great Becoming...
Leadership and Vision…these 2 words go hand-in-hand. There are many different leadership styles and mine is a veritable smorgasbord of some of the most effective versions. I was in the mood to share some of my personal views on the matter as well as some ways to get your life headed in the direction you desire, so here goes…(go grab some popcorn and hot tea, this will take some time)

You'll find actual definitions at the very end for reference sake but I'm going to use vision and leadership in the context of personal development. Most of my friends, clients and previous lecture audiences will be familiar with my viewpoints of VISION and how I use it to establish goals for myself and others. Proverbs 29:18 states that people perish for lack of vision. This is relevant regardless of whether vision is referring to some spiritual revelation from the Lord or simply a framework of creating and implementing a game plan for securing a better life for ourselves, our family, our business or some group of people we are responsible for leading.
For example…one of my most important life visions was to implement a unique part of my personality into every fabric of my being: Uninhibited fun for NO reason at all. By finding ways to weave this into my leadership, my relationships, my lecturing or teaching or even my daily work-life, I have experienced extreme satisfaction and fulfillment in my life and not had to experience a life of regrets or making excuses for what is and what isn't in my life.
Now, switching gears for a second, let me expound on leadership. It is my firm belief that great leaders ALWAYS operate in such a way as to prepare someone else to equal or, more importantly, surpass what they were able to accomplish. Dale Carnegie has revealed that he didn't desire to know the answers; he simply surrounded himself with people who did. This is an essential component to positive growth and personal development.
How often has a person vacated a role or position only to see this result in a complete meltdown or failure of the organization and an inability to continue forward, or worse, experience a complete collapse? This can happen because a leader is ill-prepared with the knowledge of how to build a long-lasting organization that outlives his/her involvement or simply because a leader intends (consciously or unknowingly) to stay at the top and be recognized as "the man" for personal reasons or motivations.

I've spent almost 30,000 hours of my life trying to help people change into something more and that doesn't even include my involvement with church leadership and ministry time (let's see that would probably come close to…40,000 hours give or take a few since college). I've amassed no small amount of knowledge in change, personal development, motivation and various breakthrough technologies. I've assessed personality profiles, studied the art of MBTI (myers-briggs type indicator) and consumed myself with getting people "unstuck".

I've come to understand that many people never realize their true greatness because their familial leadership or "community" leadership didn't prepare them or guide them towards their destiny. The leadership usually just passed on what was important to them and tried to make their own passions more important than the passions of the individual that was either a product of the family's traditions and values, "learning the trade" from a boss or group of coworkers, or simply a part of some community (2 people on up to 2 million perhaps) he/she was involved in.

One of the great things about being a "personal change agent" is that I get to be a lot like the 1st leg of a relay. I can initiate the process and possibly serve as a role model for what should not only continue but hopefully get better (faster if you're staying with my analogy of a sports relay) and more efficient. I don't WANT people to stay with me or simply do as I do…I want them to flourish and blossom into the man or woman that GOD has created them to become…and I do mean achieve ALL of what they were meant to experience, achieve and conquer in life!

One of my tactics involves finding where a person is unbalanced and making an attempt to walk with them as they bring the "dark into the light". I'm not simply referring to helping people overcome their demons but also helping people locate, confront and overcome any areas that are holding them back from achieving forward progress. Most people usually focus on what they're good at doing, yet fail to address their Achilles heel.

Fear of failure (or success, for that matter) because of a lack of affirmation from previous leadership (primarily, but not limited to, mothers and fathers) is often a major culprit. Yet, because people live their life in a bubble (some bubbles are fortunately much bigger than others which allows us to gain insights from exposing ourselves to the experiences of others—books, movies, church experiences, news, Oprah, are just a few examples), we usually will be limited in our ability to self-assess our situation and make the proper adjustments in our daily travels on the road of life.

It just so happens that my particular personality type (ENFP in the MBTI system and represented by 2% of the population including Robin Williams, Paul Harvey, Bill Cosby and Mark Twain) is known as the Champion. We are the most passionate of the 16 possible personality types in terms of bringing joy and positive change to the world. Personal agendas are not high on the list unless you consider a better world a selfish ambition.

Anyway, I'm digressing…

Let me focus on why I was motivated to share this blog with you. I've had a few clients/friends recently who have encountered traumatic experiences lately and have been at a crossroads.

The personal doubts, fears, insecurities and lack of hope are continuing to convict me about writing a book or several books about the importance of setting up our lives in such a way as to attract success, fulfillment and great passion for life. Our families, friends and the world in general are counting on us to become the great people GOD intended us to become. We can't continue to think selfishly and that we're only hurting ourselves by settling for less in our personal lives. In terms of biblical characters…Abraham, Mary, Moses, Esther, Joseph, Ruth, Job, Rahab and even Peter were people who had every right to acknowledge their "lacks" and stay where they were in life. However, with God's help and the help of others who wanted them to experience ALL that God had waiting for their destiny(s), they made a significant impact on their world and overcame their own personal limitations.

When I finally finish my book, I'll cover in much greater detail how exposing ourselves to the undertakings of self-improvement and the self-discipline it takes to COMPLETE these endeavors is ESSENTIAL to experiencing God's best for our lives.

Briefly, physical exercise not only produces an acute (immediate yet temporary) euphoria and endorphin rush but over time results in positive and more permanent changes in how we look and feel about ourselves. This is a major foundation to having the energy and stamina to be a rock and foundation for others in life that we are passionate about helping and serving. How often have you felt great about yourself and not wanted to completely encourage and bless others?!!

Spiritual exercise...i may spend some time on a future blog specifically addressing this one. So much of what I've already said and will say (write actually) has already been expressed in the living and active WORD of GOD!
Mental and emotional exercise occurs in many forms but here we'll address mental health, knowledge and mindsets. As anyone knows, optimists are generally the type of people that have large groups of friends because they are always giving away positive words, encouragement and hope for a better situation. We can glean certain nuggets of wisdom through mentors, great sermons, books or simply by surrounding ourselves with great friends.

Now, I will say this about learning from others because this is of EXTREME importance. The weakness inherent in taking instruction from others outside of our own experience lies in our ignorance or inability to recognize a particular mentor's limitations and esteem or idolize them as all-knowing. I've seen it at work when a trainer only has one source of influence and vehemently stands by his/her convictions even in the face of better or more correct information and statistics. The value of discerning wisdom is centered on understanding both sides of an issue and having reference points for all points in between. Issues are rarely black and white even though our mentors/teachers may teach us certain things that seem right while others are wrong.

This is definitely a weakness in religious circles. At the expense of other things, we may throw the proverbial baby out with the bath water. Legalism has its roots here but that's another topic for another day. When we learn from others, we often take their passions and convictions on as well even if it was something we never cared about previously. When this source of influence has had an amazing impact on who we are as a person, we tend to be that much more willing to take on their convictions and beliefs without questioning them. At some point however, a time may come where we have to seek our own beliefs and make decisions that are best for us and our future. This tends to be the kind of life that GOD can continually mold and move around for His purposes even if we can't see what He's doing or about to do for our futures.

These 3 points are pivotal in keeping us as human beings constantly prepared for the difficulties and adversities we face in life. When someone says to me, "I don't like change!" or, "why do I need to strive for personal development?", I'm usually quick to point out what happens when living things try to remain the same. Bread molds. Organisms age and die. Bodies deteriorate. Metal acquires rust. Great sports dynasties get beat because other teams figure out (by adaptation and change) how to beat them. Simply put, we HAVE to strive for something greater...for a renewed mind...for more intimate time with our loving GOD...for iron sharpening!!

This takes us back to the idea of how VISION fits in with leadership. Although no vision is perfect (and great care should be taken to become aware of the limitations that are and eventually will become detrimental), we should make every effort to establish consistent habits that will solidify our foundations as a God-fearing and God-honoring man/woman of God who has been called to make a difference in the Kingdom for the sake of others (remember, Jesus said that loving God and loving others as much as we (should) love ourselves are the 2 most important objectives to concern ourselves with as believers!).


How do we begin this process? Here are a few ideas and then I'm done:
1) Establish a vision for a particular aspect of your life. You can have multiple visions for your finances, spiritual walk, getting the job or vocation you've always dreamed of, etc.
2) Make sure you've outlined your passion(s) within the vision. Why are you doing what you're doing? Is it because you're "supposed to" or because you desire to? Duty will almost always be overcome by desire (and that's not always a good thing, lol. Hello, self-discipline!)
3) Remember you've been given "another chance" in life to do something you were unable to do in the past. That's ALWAYS a gift from God…the potential to make wrong things right, or turn adversity or a harmful past into an honorable offering to God. There's a saying: Who we are is a gift from God…who we become is our gift back to God!
4) Ensure that your social circle is supportive of the changes you desire to make. Community can be our biggest ally or our biggest deterrent! I can't brag enough about my group of friends. What an inspiration they've been in the worst of times....and without passing judgement. I, for one, can't wait to spend time growing with my wife, helping her to achieve new and exciting goals at the same time she helps me with mine. How fun would it be learning new languages, new dance styles (swing!), etc. every 5-10 years?!!
5) Frame goals inside of your vision around behaviors NOT outcomes. If you hop on a scale a few weeks after making a dietary change and it reflects a POSITIVE weight gain rather than a negative change, you're very likely to stop and give up! Quantifying your success should be reflected by what I call event frequency such as rewarding yourself because you exercised or read your bible for 5 hours each week instead of trying to measure your "success" on what the scale suggested.
6) In addition to implementing recognizable timelines for achieving these goals, set up a way to quantify whether or not you are making progress towards your vision.
7) Empower yourself to succeed in your particular vision by educating yourself about what your vision needs to flourish. Vocationally, this includes getting an advanced degree or vocational education that prepares you not only to participate but to EXCEL. Doesn't God want us to strive for excellence?!! I can't count how many times I've heard people make excuses or regret that they never got a degree. It's not simply about getting more knowledge about your field. It's more about the ability to achieve a goal that requires time, commitment, tons of study, sacrifice and self-discipline. The feeling of accomplishment not to mention the foundation for success it creates later in life is something that will forever forge a sense of accomplishment and self-worth that will be passed on to our children and our children's children.
8) JUST DO IT! Action, baby…none of this happens until it happens!

Leadership:
1. the position or function of a leader: He managed to maintain his leadership of the party despite heavy opposition.
2. ability to lead: She displayed leadership potential.
3. an act or instance of leading; guidance; direction: They prospered under his leadership.
4. the leaders of a group: The union leadership agreed to arbitrate.

Vision:
1a. The faculty of sight; eyesight: poor vision.
1b. Something that is or has been seen.
2. Unusual competence in discernment or perception; intelligent foresight: a leader of vision.
3. The manner in which one sees or conceives of something.
4. A mental image produced by the imagination.
5. The mystical experience of seeing as if with the eyes the supernatural or a supernatural being.
6. A person or thing of extraordinary beauty.

so bad at keeping up...

well, here it is October 23, 2007, and i'm just now updating this blog. I really need to start taking my journal writings and posting those thoughts here...or maybe i'll just store them up for my book(s). This last weekend, the Lord really put a major revelation in my lap and I'm excited to see where this new chapter is going to unfold...UNLEASHED!

Day after the planes landed...

well, things are slowly beginning to take shape as far as my WALK goes...it's actually been a sprint with several "trips" along the way. I think I"m healthy and able to run again with the proverbial muscle cramps getting in the way. As any athlete prepares for the daily grind through training, I've begun to get my tail in gear and read the New Testament in 60 days.
This past weekend, Marty and I engaged in our 2nd weekly movie/IHOP bible reading venture. It's amazing how much God talks to us through the Word. He really does!!! I'm getting the low level flame again and look forward to it getting white hot!
With the aid of some new friends, I'm hoping to get this ship off the ground quickly...

when i had longer hair and did a bit of fitness modeling 

taken in vegas after we won nationals in flag football the 2nd time... 

Hakdaddy 

Pigs are flying now...

Well, I did it folks. I've officially begun to post my random mental actions into words for all the world to see. Maybe now I'll have some material for that book I've flirted with writing for years now. God rox!